This is one of those days where I am not on top of the world. As much as I love my straight friends, they just don’t get me sometimes. This is a really long story, but my best friend turned on me tonight. He is concerned that I am diving “way too much into the gay lifestyle” and he laughed when I told him how much my blogging has been awesome for me in the past 4 months. I work really hard on what I say here and think through the point I’m trying to make in every post. It may not come across to everyone, but I get what I’m saying. I like me. I get laughed at for even sharing my life on my blog when he has never read it. Maybe I could be better at verbalizing to my long-time friends (in person) what I’m thinking, but when I get laughter in return at the means I’ve chosen to express myself it is difficult to go beyond “my blog is where I’m at right now.” They just don’t get me.
How do I respond to someone so out of touch with who I’ve become? I think he is a bit jealous that I share all here and don’t sit down for long conversations with him about my life. I also know that he is bummed that I am leaving Santa Fe and returning to San Francisco.
I’m really angry right now, and thought that I should not post something so personal. On the other hand, I have made some really awesome friends through my blog who know what I am about and from where I’m coming. So I know that I can share how I’m feeling in my own online space. If you are new to this blog, read the archives and come back to this entry. If you are a friend, you know a bit about who I am. You can stay right here.
It all started with celebrating a birthday. Not mine, but that of his wife’s. Her birthday is today. I called earlier to say “Happy Birthday” and asked what the plan is for this evening. She told me that nothing was planned, so I planned a donor meeting at 6 p.m. Later this afternoon, she called to say we were having dinner. I’m there! I cut the meeting short to be there. Of course I would do that. I love them!
Dinner went great. Then we went for a few after-dinner cocktails. That’s where I heard that I haven’t been sharing enough and that people were worried. That going to San Francisco and partying with the gays until 8:30 am was concerning to people who call me “their friend” and worried that “I was out of control” and “distant.”
I am really upset.
Really upset.
We will work it out. We will. I was told that I need to find the right quality person to share my life with and not go on gay cruises and not hook up with random guys and not spend so much time blogging. No fucking kidding! They are stretching my reality a bit far. I’ve joked about being a floozy when in reality I rarely go beyond a blow job with those with whom I’ve hooked up. I don’t enjoy getting fucked up the ass and am scared to death of becoming HIV+. When I top, I wander to my condom jar with the biggest hardon ever to avoid any risk whatsoever.
There, I said something really honest.
Tell me something that I don’t know.
One thing I’ve hated is being preached to and talked to without understanding and listening on the other end. That’s all I ask of my good friends. Just listen.
We go way back. I probably had a bit of a crush on the good looking lad in my dorm at the prep school in Vermont where I assumed the nickname of Biff. He is handsome, and our relationship was all about bringing each other to new and the best points in our lives. He is dyslexic, and I spent so much time helping him with his writing and teaching him to feel great about himself. At the same time, I was living a hypocrisy living in a closet with a thick padlock. I probably really fell for him without even processing my feelings appropriately at the time. I stood up for him when he exposed himself to a boy in the dorm and some chick wrote a poem about it at school assembly and he was caught. I was crying when I asked the headmaster to let him graduate when he had yelled and drunkingly said “fuck you” to my fellow dormhead the night before his graduation. He got his diploma. We beat the SHIT out of each other in our 20s due to unexplained anger in each of us. And every step of the way, we had a hug for each other and the most support one could ever ask for from a friend. Please don’t comment that our relationship is fucked up and that we should move on. Only he and I understand what we are all about.
He was the first person I came out to. He applauded and told me how proud he was of me. And I am still convinced that he is proud of me.
It is the difference in our lives now with which we grapple. He is married to his high school sweetheart with two wonderful kids (one of whom is my Goddaughter). I am out and proud as a gay man in large part due to his support. And now, he makes me feel like a loser.
I should have responded to him directly, and I will tomorrow. On the other hand, he needs to understand a bit of the gay world in which I reside. He hasn’t made an effort to do that; rather, I get criticized for being “too gay.” Fuck you, man.
I have invited him to read TURNING FORTY and he tells me it’s not for him.
So, I’m back to verbal conversation to work this all out tomorrow. It’s totally worth it. I don’t have anyone in my life that has held my hand through the shit more than him. I love him and always will. I just want him to be happy with himself. That’s what I have to remember about criticism from my straight friends. While they know me really well, they don’t know me completely. I have to make a better effort at communicating to them about Dan. I also need to be a friend to help them realize their own happiness without sacrificing my own.
‘Nuff said. We will kiss and make up tomorrow. Now you know a bit more about where I’m coming from. I don’t appreciate judgemental people who base opinions on societal impressions. I know you know what I mean with that comment. Thank you for being there.
Your gay blogger friend,
Dan
